Challenge # 11 Letting Go

It was a fantastically sunny day outside and many of the people I love were gathered around. My husband was playing soccer with friends and family. I looked around watching, feeling joyful. We were all waiting for the bus to come to take us on to a new place, but it felt less like waiting and more like enjoying. Suddenly, I decided to leave the place where we were expecting the bus and to go back to where we were before we had left for the bus station. I felt an inner caution that I might miss the bus, but I ignored it, thinking I’m sure it will be fine. Sure enough just as I arrived back at the place we had just left, I saw the bus drive past. Panicked, I turned to run back to the bus stop, assuring myself I would make it on time. When I turned I looked across the lawn of dry, brown grass, and realized that the distance back to the bus stop was much farther than I had thought. I began to sprint, hoping I would make it.

When I woke in the morning, I thought, “Huh. That’s the second time I’ve had a dream of missing or almost missing (I never saw how it ended) a bus.” If you come visit me in this space often, then you know that I place a lot of value on my dreams. So I refocused and began making time for creativity and the things, like writing, that I truly want to manifest in my life, so that when opportunities arrive, I will know myself in that space and be ready. Still the dream lingered.

Next to my bed, in the corner of my bedroom, are all of my journals from over the years. I keep lots of stories, dreams, events and valuable insights compiled in them. They are near me so I can reach them easily and so that guests do not peruse them at their leisure. Being the 3^rd of 3 children, I learned to protect them the hard way. I tell you this because shortly after the dream above, I had another:

I was in my bed and had my current journal in my hands. Somehow in my periphery I could see all my journals lined up in the corner of my room (just as they are now). Suddenly I heard a very strong and present voice say, “Burn your journals!” Immediately I began looking for a lighter so that I could set the pages of my journals on fire. I felt like the request was strange as my journals hold many of the beautiful, eccentric and exciting dreams I have had over the years, but the voice sounded powerful, as if it were sure that destroying them would be in my best interest.

Suddenly, I awoke unsure about what I had just heard. Awake, the thought of burning or destroying my journals seemed even more bizarre, considering that I often perused their pages to remind me of wisdom won and fresh insights. I don’t know exactly how I knew but I felt that I wasn’t being asked to literally destroy the journals. So I thought about their purpose, and I realized that they often hold the past within their pages.

Journals are symbols of the human tendency to chronicle ups and downs. The process can be very cathartic or it can be destructive, leaving one imprisoned in its pages. After reflecting on my habits, I realized the message had nothing to do with my journals and everything to do with my letting go of swimming in the past and embracing the newness before me.

Reminiscing and even reflection, which we are often encouraged to do, can sometimes take us down spirally side paths along memory lane. Before we know it we are lost, cold and covered in the muck of regrets and morphed memories. We must be gentle and careful when we time travel lest we become distracted by things we can no longer change.

This morning I found myself reflecting on the dream of trying to catch the bus, and suddenly I realized that both dreams are connected. While the dream of potentially missing the bus did encourage me to write and to feel the joy of it more regularly, the dream also wanted to caution me on the dangers of looking back, on lingering in the past. I could spend days asking myself if I had done the right thing. Memories from past years would pop up and I would go over my actions again and again, considering whether I had truly done my best.

Not too long ago I watched a wonderful, young writer live her dream. While I felt happy for her, I found myself looking back and wondering whether I had given my all for my dreams over the years. I asked myself whether I could have given more and done more for myself and others by now, if I had had the self-confidence to step into my power. In those moments I completely forgot that I had moved to a new country, learned a new language, got married, traveled around Europe and the list goes on. I found myself, in a moment of celebration for another, swimming in a fear of lack.

The dream of missing the bus then came back to me. It seemed to signify an opportunity to end the cycle of self-doubt and regret. It seemed to stretch out its hand and offer me the chance to identify and let go of the tasks and habits that diminish that connection to my inner light. It is like my Higher Self was once again calling me out on a bad habit and saying, “You did the best you could with what you had. Cherish the lesson and let the past inspire you to step into your power now. Appreciate the gift of the present moment and allow the joy of it to create the future.”

It is true that we must learn from past mistakes, but we always have the choice to take up the learning with gratitude and move on to brighter and healthier places.

We often spend so much time meandering in the past that we struggle to come to the realization that if we were to simply stay in the present, we would be exactly where we are meant to be. Quiet does not imply stagnation. Sometimes, in moments when we feel like we are not moving forward, it is only because we are being held so gently and so tightly that we do not realize the catapult we are sitting in is being pulled and locked. Before we know it we are flying forward into all the adventure we had hoped for, wishing we had taken the time to rest when we had the chance.

Motivational speakers and some spiritual teachers encourage us to get moving. Sometimes these teachings are misdirected and sometimes we misunderstand the message and think that the greatest value of the present time is productivity. Yet, while it is important for us to create, to express and to move forward, we can also learn how to be aware of cycles and what cycle each of us is currently in. I am in a creation and rest cycle. It is a time for me to enjoy my craft, writing, while also taking time for relaxation, dreaming and genuine reflection. As I write I can feel my understanding of who I am expanding. I feel that I am on the cusp of something new and while my ego would like to live the learned habit of pushing and forcing, I can hear the voice of my higher-self getting louder and reassuring me that trust and surrender will open more doors than force ever could.

The point of a journey is certainly not to be the end at the beginning. The point of the journey is to understand there is no end, only regularly occurring new beginnings. At each new beginning we realize that we have grown since the last. Each step up becomes easier as we exercise our spiritual muscles and allow them to grow. Our endurance becomes so steadfast that when challenges arise, we master them with a newly acquired ease.

It is difficult to receive the gift of new beginning, if we insist on holding on to what is closing. I choose to accept this gift and to release my life as I once knew it, knowing that below the surface something great and new is bubbling up to take its place and lift me to higher heights. 

As we settle into 2021, I want to ask you: “Have you let go of the 2020 uproar?” It was a very disruptive year. Will you spend 2021 looking back, fearing that it could be a repeat of 2020? Will you begin the New Year cursing the old one? Or will you begin the year with gratitude for cycles of completion and renewal? In general are you holding on to regrets, should haves and could haves? Will you move into 2021 being present in the fullness of your being? In order to be strong receptacles for all of the bounty the Universe has to offer, we must let go of the past.

Jesus once said, “…No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” (Luke 9:62) When you plow as they did in the old days, with the plow and cattle in front of you, looking back meant that you might create crooked furrows, lessening the abundance of the harvest. No matter what you believe, it is true that we all have the opportunity to create a personal heaven or a personal hell. There were moments on the side paths of memory lane that I created personal hells of regret and shame, only to see myself come out on top, stronger than before. When I realized the value of the lesson, it became easier to create earthly heavens. In my earthly heaven I move forward fearlessly trusting that my actions will lead to good.

May you have a beautiful and abundant harvest in 2021. May you let go of any regrets, any sadness, any unforgiveness. May you look forward, set your plow straight and move into creating the bountiful life that you truly want and deserve!