Category Trying New Things

It was a fantastically sunny day outside and many of the people I love were gathered around. My husband was playing soccer with friends and family. I looked around watching, feeling joyful. We were all waiting for the bus to come to take us on to a new place, but it felt less like waiting and more like enjoying. Suddenly, I decided to leave the place where we were expecting the bus and to go back to where we were before we had left for the bus station. I felt an inner caution that I might miss the bus, but I ignored it, thinking I’m sure it will be fine. Sure enough just as I arrived back at the place we had just left, I saw the bus drive past. Panicked, I turned to run back to the bus stop, assuring myself I would make it on time. When I turned I looked across the lawn of dry, brown grass, and realized that the distance back to the bus stop was much farther than I had thought. I began to sprint, hoping I would make it.

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Just some weeks ago I had a dream: An eye appeared before me, beautiful and bold. I examined the Eye and wondered at the joy it exuded. While staring and examining it in awe, the Eye swung back, like a door opening to a new pathway. I stepped through the opening into a room. In front of me, on the couch, sat my inner child or me as a child. I was ecstatic to see her and to have the opportunity to physically embrace her. I walked over to her, and although I could tell she had a different intent for my being there, I insisted on holding her as tightly as I could. My heart was full of the desire to show her I value her and love her and to defeat any neglect. She received my coddling patiently but it quickly became apparent that she had a task for me and needed me to focus.

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It was 2004, the year of my first presidential election and an important one. To be more specific it was the first time that I would be allowed to cast my vote and join in on determining who would have the responsibility of running my home, the United States of America.

The republican George Bush was up for reelection and the Democrats had chosen John Kerry as the worthy opponent. Among these two main candidates were many others from different parties such as the Independent and Green parties. There would also be the opportunity to elect other officials to different offices. It was up to me to weigh-in and push for the candidates I thought would best manifest our collective highest greatest good. What a delightful burden to carry.

Looking forward to this new beginning I registered to vote and took all of the necessary steps to make sure that I could participate. Not only did I feel that it was important to vote and have a say in how one is led, but I also wanted to show respect for all of those who fought hard to ensure that I received my due right to vote as a Black woman. So much sacrifice to eradicate prejudice and limitation. I wanted to be sure to honor that sacrifice by casting my ballot.

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This particular morning I woke up joyful, ready to manifest a wonderful day. I jumped out of bed and headed to the kitchen to make tea. It’s the only way to properly start any day. And this day needed to jump off well, considering it was the beginning of my vacation, and I always feel a little pressure to make sure that my vacations are wonderfully relaxing, which in all honesty, sometimes gets in the way of my reaching that goal.

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We walked up the narrow staircase. The white walls were pushing in on all sides. If only the staircase could go on forever or at least long enough to think of a way to excuse myself politely from the pole dancing gathering and to disappear into the night. No such luck. Almost immediately we reached the door at the top of the stairs. I felt my face burning while imagining all of the embarrassing moments to come. I looked at the beautiful wooden door frame, left in its natural state.

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Living in Bavaria, Germany I have learned to let go of the dream of one-stop-shopping. You sometimes have to go far and wide and traverse the wildest terrain just to get all of the contents on your shopping list, and to make the treasure hunt more exciting, all stores close at 8 pm. So not only do you have to research where to get what you want but you better get it before 8 pm workdays and weekends, otherwise you’ll be left empty-handed.

There is one store that comes close to the “efficient” American shopping experience.

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The bar was in a distant part of the city. I climbed into the bus remembering the times when I used to go to that part of Munich to eat fried sushi with friends. The memory stuck in my throat and I swallowed hard. Those friends were long gone and although it felt alright, I still looked back with a bit of a twinge.

The bus driver seemed talkative. He looked at me and asked where I come from. I patiently yet warily told him of my roots in the States and in Africa. He asked me whether I like Munich.

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“Concentrate on your breathing,” I told myself. I could feel my stomach beginning to rumble. It was waiting for the moment when the room would fall silent to let out a mighty roar. “Please, stomach!” I entreated. “Please let me get through this class unembarrassed, then I promise I will feed you and never let you down again.” I held my breath. And there it was. My stomach interrupted the daily meditation with a fierce and indignant growl. “AUM!” I chanted loudly with the others in hopes of masking the outburst with a call to the Divine.

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As I peered around the corner into the room, my heart sank a little. The classrooms at the adult education centers often remind me of the asylums you see in the movies: white floors, white walls, white tables, white chairs. The only things missing are the padding and the jackets. As I walked to my seat, I tried to push this thought out of my mind and was thankful for the colorful strangers who surrounded the room, bringing this whitewashed space to life. At the front of the room was our somewhat shy and handsome teacher

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As I walked towards the classroom, I felt a feeling of excitement. Finally, I was taking a step towards letting go of a deep-seated fear and doing it all on my own terms. For weeks I had been looking forward to the acting class and could not wait to see what surprises it held in store. There is something very exciting about stepping out of your comfort zone. It can be unsettling at first, but then there is this curiosity about who you might be and what you might find out about yourself in this new setting.

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