Exploring Values ~ INTEGRITY

Listen to me read the story on YouTube here or read the text below:

The meeting room was full, and on this particular summer day in Munich, Germany, my colleagues hesitated to wander back to their desks only to sit out the afternoon and wait slowly for finishing time to come. You could see them grasping for relevant work topics, when they finally gave up and a lively conversation about beer ensued. I looked at the door, wondering if I could make a run for it. I looked sideways at my boss, who nestled more snugly into her chair, and frowned. I was relatively new at the company and didn’t want to seem anti-social, so I took my cue from her and hung around with a forced smile. Small talk can be so taxing. As an introvert with only rare (and sporadic) extrovert tendencies, I struggled to get into the mood to talk about nothing.

At first I was distracted. I was doing that thing that introverts sometimes will do at such moments and watching people interact in their habitat. Gradually, I began to listen in on the conversation. They were talking about infamously named beers. When I realized this I began to fidget because I knew exactly what was coming. There is a popular drink that is a mix of wheat beer and cola. Many years ago in some, not all, parts of Germany, this beer had the name of the German version of the N** word.

And there it was before I knew it, the colleague had uttered the name of the beer, N** word and all, in the middle of the meeting room. She continued on laughing, when a colleague interrupted her and let her know that one could not say that name anymore. They quickly began talking about all of the replacement names now used for that particular beer mix.

My supervisor interrupted and put them all in their place. “If that’s the name of the beer, then that is just the name of the beer. It’s like N**,” she said, referring to some kind of pastry, “I still call them N** because that’s what they are.”

An uneasiness entered the room and took a seat at the table. No one could stop him. The energy had been invited in and there was no going back. Colleagues began to steal glances and look at me uncomfortably.

We left the room. I stopped to pick my chin up off the carpet on the way out. So shocked by the easiness of the conversation, I didn’t know what to say or even where to begin. Silently, I walked back to my desk, thinking about what to do or not do, feeling like any reaction or the lack there of would be a statement.

As soon as I reached my desk, the phone rang. I knew who it was but I looked at the display anyway and promptly rolled my eyes. I knew what was coming. The woman who had introduced and led the conversation was calling me, most likely to hear what the only Black person in the room (and the company for that matter) had to say about it. I was tempted not to answer, but the shock had worn off, and since I didn’t say anything to her about her behavior in the meeting I decided to go ahead. Now is as good a time as any. 

She didn’t say why, she simply asked if we could meet downstairs for a smoke. I don’t smoke but I agreed to meet her downstairs. She was waiting for me in the courtyard. I watched from a distance as she moved from one foot to the other. Her arms were crossed with a cigarette hanging between her fingers. I sauntered up to her, trying not be distracted by my disappointment in the entire situation.

“Thanks for coming down. I called you because Marie* said I shouldn’t have talked about the mix beer and said that word in front of you. I just wanted to know what you think and whether it was wrong.”

Inside I didn’t know whether to be amused or dismayed. I cannot remember my exact first response, although parts I remember very clearly, perhaps even exactly.

“So you asked me here because Marie told you your comments were wrong?”

She repeated the issue. “Yes, she said I should not have said that in front of you and it bothered me, so I decided to speak to you about it.”

This is something that happens often. That “ooh sorry you had to hear that”. They are not sorry they said it. They are only sorry you heard it. Really, it’s your fault for being present when the offensive comment or joke was made. It’s your fault everyone is uncomfortable.

“I appreciate Marie’s concern but why should my presence determine whether or not what you said is wrong? So it would have been ok if hadn’t have heard it?” I asked.

She fidgeted.

I continued. “I really do not like it when White people ask me to be there Black judge and jury. You have to know whether you are ok with the words that you spoke. They are a reflection of you not of me.”

She went on to explain that in her eyes she was speaking about facts. It’s a fact that the drinks once had infamous names, including N**. Sometimes people talk about how things were back then.

Overall, I agreed with her. There are conversations people hold in order to talk about and reconstruct past situations. It is important to talk about these things and draw attention to them. It helps us to understand and avoid future insensitivities. I remember a situation long ago when I once couldn’t decide what to drink at a restaurant. I rarely drink beer but decided to be adventurous and try a new one. So I chose a beer and cola mix from the menu. The waitress looked at me strangely. At the table everyone was quiet, and I couldn’t understand what had just happened. Then, as she brought the beer to me, I looked at the brown color of the drink and realized I had just ordered the beer once called N**! I was so embarrassed, called the waitress and sent it back to the kitchen. I have nothing against the drink itself, still I didn’t care if the beer had been given a new name, I refused to pour anything down my throat that once held a name my ancestors fought to eradicate. Call me dramatic if you will, but I was not going to take a sip and declare the drink “refreshing”.

Yes, it is important to talk about these things and to share. Still, I reminded my colleague that it depends on the context. Are we talking about it with the intent to educate or the intent to glorify? The conversation in our work meeting and the humor that surrounded the discussion that afternoon made it feel like the latter.

Unfortunately, I started to become annoyed with the conversation. I wished I had not answered the phone and put myself in the position of having to explain to someone why their behavior made me uncomfortable. I felt like in asking me to judge her behavior, she was asking me to assume a shared responsibility. My disappointment expressed itself as sarcasm.

“You know there is no Black caucus that meets regularly to decide whether one White person’s everyday actions are deemed justifiable or not. We don’t send out a memo and universally agree on whether certain behaviors are ok or not. What may be ok for me might not be for someone else who shares my skin color. Why would you leave the judgment of your actions up to someone else? You know whether something you say or do is ok or not.”

She was looking for absolution, but the truth is I could not give it to her. We all must be aware of our core values and act accordingly. We cannot leave it to one person from a particular community to give us permission to act in a certain way. We should each of us be able to evaluate whether our words and actions reflect the values we hold dearly. To live with integrity means to live these values and not to leave it up to others to evaluate, sanction and potentially heal our decisions. It is ok to ask me to educate you or even forgive you but don’t ask me to judge you or your actions. I am my brother’s keeper but he must be his own decision-maker and account for his actions.

Living with integrity allows you to stand by your decisions because you know you acted in a way that reflects your values and promotes healing.

Living with integrity means your words and actions were uttered free of the intention to divide or to hurt others.

Living with integrity means you are honest with yourself and able to acknowledge, with self-compassion, when actions were harmful to the self and/or others.

In order to live with integrity we must understand that we do not have control over the legacy we leave behind anymore than we have control over the fruits of our labors. I believe it’s more about the story we want to tell. As far as we know we only have this one life in this unique form. What story will each of us choose to tell with the life we have been given?

The decision belongs to each of us and though it might be comfortable we cannot and should not give that deciding power away to others. Let us look at our lives and decide whether the story we are telling with our words and actions truly reflects the epic we want to portray to future generations. If not it is time to course correct. It is never too late to adjust our path and change direction.

The Oxford Learner’s Dictionary[1] describes integrity as “the state of being whole and not divided”. Let us come together and recognize our oneness. Unity of purpose is what we need most right now. There is a blatant call for peace and healing resounding across the world. When we answer this call, we are living a model of integrity. We are acknowledging our innate unified state and calling the world to return back to the wholeness it has forgotten.

I choose to walk in integrity, looking out for my fellow beings who come from the same Source, while at the same recognizing their innate power and ability to take part in creating this reality. Let us walk together to build on and preserve that perfect Oneness we call life.

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[1] Oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com. 2020. Integrity Noun – Definition, Pictures, Pronunciation And Usage Notes | Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary At Oxfordlearnersdictionaries.Com. [online] Available at: <https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/integrity?q=integrity> [Accessed 10 October 2020].